Slow Progress & Tender Mercies

Since my last post, I've had a couple of days where the reality of being in a huge city, with no job, has felt really heavy. It's hard to know where to begin and I felt as though I'd used up all of my motivation energy in just getting here. To my own credit, there has not been a day where I've not accomplished at least one task that contributes, at least a little, to moving forward. Somedays, it has just been to find a stationary store in which to buy push pins and a calendar to plan with. (I love having a calendar on my phone, but sometimes you just need to write things out.) Other days, it has been more pro-active, such as going to a recruitment agency, like a grown up. Weird.

High and lows are to be expected, I know. The last couple of days have felt low. I've tried to focus on the fact that I've accomplished part of my goal, just by getting here, and now I live in an amazing city. I went for a walk in Kensington Gardens on Monday, thinking that I would enjoy the peaceful scenery and contemplate life. Well, my local train station had no power and I spent most of my walking time on the streets, so by the time I got to the gardens it was getting dark, I was cranky at public transit and it wasn't nearly as enjoyable as I'd hoped.

A peaceful bench in Kensington Gardens. I should have just sat there for a while.... 

Today, I made the decision to be positive and pro-active. I planned to go to the LDS Employment Centre, which opens at 12pm.  I completed the online registration forms in the morning and then I decided to check on the open houses for the two drama schools that I'm looking at. First, I checked on RADA and had a little moment of despair. In the two weeks since I've been here, the Open House has been announced and completely filled. There will be more in the new year, but it put me into a little bit of a tail spin. Attending these open houses has been the driving factor in coming here when I did. I've been checking for confirmed dates almost religiously over the last 2 months, and in the last two weeks, I missed it. I took a deep breath and checked on LAMDA. There is an open house this weekend, so I crossed my fingers and sent out an e-mail of inquiry. In a moment of defiance to "the world", I then registered for online applications to LAMDA and saved the RADA application form to my travelling USB stick to have printed later in the day. Take that, world. 

Determined not to let myself stay cranky, I stuck to my plan. I found a copy shop close to the South Kensington station, printed the application forms and then went over to the employment centre. Luckily, it is in the same building as the church, so I at least knew how to find it! The church building is quite multi-purpose, actually. The main floor foyer serves as a small Visitor's Centre, with the gym and the chapel on the same level. There are a couple of floors for classrooms, offices and the employment centre.

I trudged my way up the stairs to the 3^rd floor and soon remembered that the Brits don't count floors in the same way as Canadians. Call me a traditionalist, but the first floor is the one on the bottom. Here, it is: Basement, Ground, 1^st , 2^nd, 3^rd etc. So the 3^rd floor is actually the 4^th floor to my brain. I digress... A Senior missionary couple greeted me enthusiastically as I entered the empty room. Their shift was ending, so after a brief chat, they passed me along to the incoming volunteer, a Caribbean woman, who was very fun to talk to. We went over my CV and discussed my situation. I talked about theatre and my struggles with knowing how to approach it. She was very encouraging and suggested I send an e-mail to a few of the “umbrella” companies that own the theatres, asking how I could apply or when to expect C.V.s to be accepted. (I've been stumped by many theatre groups posting that they usually take resumes of interest, but aren't anymore, but will be soon. How does one respect that, but still show interest?)

She also gave me list of job finding websites and suggested a few that would be best to begin with. I asked about electronic retail stores and photo labs that would be easier for me work in without much training. I still feel the weight of finding work, but it feels better having a few places to start from. I don't like the idea of “pounding the pavement”, but it has to be done. Starting is the hardest part. I do need a wardrobe update though. (See? I'm making delays... I'll go out when I have the right clothes....) There is a store here called “Primark” that everyone says is really cheap but doesn't look it. I said to her that I need to go to Primark to get some good walking/dress shoes and dress pants. She laughed that I already knew what Primark was! So, that is tomorrow's plan. I hate shopping and I hate job hunting and now I have to do both. Maybe shopping in London will be more enjoyable than in Canada. Here's hoping.

Hyde Park LDS Chapel on Exhibition Road, South Kensington

Now to the real point of blogging today. (Still with me?) Two sister missionaries were sitting by the desk on my way out and started talking to me. I said that I'm new to the city and the ward etc. They're both nearing the end of their mission, so I warned them that going home from a mission feels really weird! I joked about being old, having been home for 5 years now (wow), and then we laughed about the age change bringing out so many missionaries who look 12. They then offered to give me a little tour of the church and tell me more of the history of the area. I agreed. The church was built in 1960, but has only been a Visitor's Centre for 2 years. In fact, when they both got their mission calls, it wasn't made entirely clear that they would be VC sisters because all of the final details were still being worked out!

They showed me a little video on a fancy touch screen TV (aren't we tech-savvy Mormons?) It was about the history of the church building itself. The building is on the same street as the Science Museum and the Victoria & Albert Museum, just down from the Royal Alberta Hall.  I have been wondering how the church managed to get such prime real estate! The spot where the church is now located used to be a high end residential row and, at one point, was owned by a wealthy doctor, his Russian wife, 2 children and 6 servants! Unfortunately, the building was destroyed during the bombings of World War II and was never rebuilt. When Pres. David O McKay made the assignment to find property for a chapel, there was not a member of the church living within 7 miles of the spot that was proposed, but the decision was made to buy this little historic area of land. There are now 3 wards that meet in the building, as well as fulfilling the other uses that I've mentioned earlier.

World War II bomb damage on the wall of the Victoria & Albert Museum. 

When the video finished, one sister asked what I liked about it. Almost without thinking, I answered that it shows that good things can come out of such horrible destruction. She agreed and then said that she can relate that to her life; we can feel like we are in the middle of a bombing in our life and then we later realize that God was always aware of us and that He always has a plan. It was exactly what I needed to hear and I'm sure I looked at her in shock for a moment. I could easily be cynical about her comments and think that she probably says that after each of the hundreds of times she's shown that video to someone, but it really touched me. I was suddenly so emotional. I tried to contain it as we talked more about life's surprises and blessings, as well as the joys of being a missionary. I thanked them for showing me that clip and said that I really needed it today. They gave the ever so humble missionary answer, deferring credit away from themselves.

As I exited the church and started walking towards the train station, I had to hold back tears, just as I'm doing right now as I write this. There was no lightning bolt sending down a little charred piece of paper with a list of instructions, and I still feel very unsure of pretty much everything, but I do know that I'm not forgotten. 

I haven't put as much spiritual thought into this big move as I probably should have. The scriptures teach to “study it out in your mind” and then ask if it's right. Well, I did a lot of studying... and then I just did it. I basically looked at the sky and thought "If it's wrong, you'd better stop me." He didn't, so here I am. The thing is, I did the same thing when I moved to Vancouver. When I did stop to pray about it, all I could feel was love, that if this is what I wanted to do, then He was OK with it.

I think a lot of religious people, Mormons included, can get really caught up in the idea of “THE PLAN.” They fear making the “wrong” decision will affect eternal salvation. OK, some decisions, yes, but not all. I like to think of life as a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book. There are many paths, more than one of which can be right. God gave us each a brain; I think he expects us to use it.

The problem is, I may have been using my brain a little too much, over-thinking, as I tend to do, and it's making me a little crazy.  I've been so worried about having all of the answers and making a plan and finding a job “right now”, that I've just been giving myself unnecessary stress. Today was a reminder that I don't need to have all of the answers. All I need to know right now is that I haven't made a stupid decision in coming here, that it isn't a complete waste of time and money, and I will, someday, achieve all that I want to, if I'm willing to work for it.

Exhibition Road: The Science Museum on the left, Victoria & Albert Museum on the right.
LDS church visible with golden spire on the right. 

As I walked down Exhibition Road and looked at the amazing buildings, noticing for the first time the damage from WWII, I just thought about how lucky I am. I thought about my first week here, sitting in church and finally asking “Well, I'm here. Am I supposed to be here?” and feeling an overwhelming “Yes.” I don't know why the answer is yes, but for now, that will do. I know there are more ups and downs to come, but in this huge, amazing city, where I don't know anyone, I am not forgotten and I am not alone.

Epilogue: I got an e-mail from LAMDA on the train home; there is a spot available for me to attend the open house. Not forgotten :-)

Shakespeare Sunday: An Essay of Self Reflection

I know it's not Sunday, but it's tradition and alliteration, so I'm keeping it!

As ever, I hope that friends and family enjoy reading my blog, but it's really all about me, for me! My first week in London has given me a lot to think about and I need to get it out. 

Shakespeare has been in my head a lot during the last two days.  Yesterday was my first day of church in London and Shakespeare was quoted in one of the lessons! Today, I went to the Royal Shakespeare Company's broadcast of "Richard II", with David Tennant in the title role, the production design of which only confirmed to me, yet again, that I want to study Technical Theatre. I arrived home and decided to watch "A Muse of Fire", a documentary made by two friends who set out on a road trip to prove that Shakespeare isn't boring. Well, he can be a little long winded at times, but never boring.

Most people who know me, know that I love Shakespeare. I've made my blog header from photo of his reconstructed Globe Theatre for inspiration. And now I'm going to tell you why. Firstly, I don't claim to be an expert and I definitely make no claim to full understanding of everything he wrote, nor have I even read everything he wrote,  but that's really not the point. Shakespeare wrote amazing characters who are relatable, even today, despite the "language barrier." I strongly believe that you need to SEE a performance to really appreciate the brilliance. He wrote the words to be spoken and performed, not just read. Shakespeare wrote his plays over 400 years ago and today, in 2013, his words still have great effect and have put me in a mood of self reflection. 

At church yesterday, the teacher sourced a talk by Elder Lynn G. Robbins, of the Seventy, entitled "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?", which opens with Hamlet's famous question, "To be or not to be?"  Elder Robbins takes a very doctrinal view to this question, then quoting Christ's admonition for us to be like Him. The lesson continued in this manner, of course, but me, being me, my mind wandered away to my unknown future. What will I be? How will I get there? Am I completely insane to have just moved across an ocean?

"To be and to do are inseparable. As interdependent doctrines they reinforce and promote each other. Faith inspires one to pray, for example, and prayer in turn strengthens one’s faith."

- Elder Robbins

As Hamlet muses in the "To Be" speech, he is contemplating his next move and the consequences of the various actions he could take. To avenge his father's death, he must commit murder and he knows that will change him forever. To run from his situation, either by physical escape or suicide, it is not made entirely clear, would have equally drastic consequences.

Fortunately for me, I don't have a murderous Uncle to kill, but the decisions that I have made and am making are forming who I am, and who I will become.  

"Do without be—hypocrisy—portrays a false image to others, while be without do portrays a false image to oneself."

- Elder Robbins

Two years ago, this crazy thought came into my mind that I could move to England and go to drama school. At first, I didn't want to tell anyone for fear of mockery. Everyone was completely supportive; my mom actually said to me "Following your dreams is never crazy." I then became afraid of wanting it too much and never getting it. Finally, I decided that I was going to go for it, and REALLY go for it. I tried to talk about it as much as possible, willing it into a reality. Somehow, I believed that if I told everyone that I was going to do it, then I would have to! I didn't want to be that person who talks about all the great things that they're going to do and then never even try to accomplish any of them. 

This has been on my FB profile for a while; it keeps me going.

Another of my favourite plays is "Henry V". I love the character arc of Henry V, who first appears in  "Henry IV Part 1" as Prince Hal, who is a bit of a spoiled brat, really. He's spending his times in pubs; drinking, thieving and generally making his father wish his son had been switched at birth. Throughout some politics, war and a bit of eye opening to the true nature of his "friend", the jolly, but not so moral, Falstaff, Prince Hal recognizes that things that he has been doing are not contributing to the person he must BE. 

"Many of us create to do lists to remind us of things we want to accomplish. But people rarely have to be lists. Why? To do’s are activities or events that can be checked off the list when done. To be, however, is never done. You can’t earn checkmarks with to be’s."

-Elder Robbins 

"Henry IV Part II" ends with Hal being crowned king, banishing his pub mates and declaring to the whole assembly he is not what he was. Having discovered, or rather accepted, who he is, the rebellious Prince Hal becomes the great king who unites England and France. 

"The tide of blood in me

Hath proudly flow'd in vanity till now;

Now doth it turn and ebb back to the sea, 

Where it shall mingle with the state of floods, 

And flow henceforth in formal majesty."

In "Henry V", Hal, now King Henry V, soon goes to war when France will not grant him the Dukedoms which he has claim to as an heir of Edward, the Black Prince. "Henry V" is filled with amazing warrior poetry, especially the famous "St.Crispin's Day/Band of Brothers" speech. My favourite, however is the pep talk he gives to his soldiers as they are pushed back from their attack on the French town of Harfleur.

You can see this performed on film by Laurence Olivier or Kenneth Branagh. Here is an abridged, impromptu performance from the most recent Henry V, Tom Hiddleston.   I never tire of watching this. I LOVE THIS SPEECH. 

My favourite lines: 

On, on, you noblest English.

..

Dishonour not your mothers; now attest 

That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.

...

 And you, good yeoman,

Whose limbs were made in England, show us here

The mettle of your pasture; let us swear

That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;

Henry appeals to the very heart of his soldiers' motivations: their families, their roots, their country. He says "Remember why you're here, remember why you're fighting. Show me the greatness of your family, and your country, by your actions here today. I know you can BE great. Prove it." 

As a brief aside, I once prepared a lesson about Captain Moroni after watching the recent BBC version of Henry V. The parallels are astonishing. It could be an entire blog post unto itself. Seriously, I'm sure Moroni and Henry are best friends in heaven right now. 

Henry V : "Dishonor not your mothers, now attest that those whom you call'd fathers did beget you....Cry God, for Harry, England and St. George!" 

Captain Moroni: The Title of Liberty

"In Memory of our God, and religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives and our children." 

After University/Film School, I was in a bit of rut; that unemployed-watching-way-too-much-TV time, during which my dad and I had a bit of a heart to heart one day. I don't know if he remembers this, but it has stuck with me. He said "You're the one that we never worried about, don't prove us wrong." This is no attack on any of my siblings, and I'm sure that my parents did worry about me often, but I think he said it to make the point that I've always had a plan;  I've always been working towards something. I'm the crazy dreamer of the family. The dream has changed a few times, but it's only been when I have no goals and no plan that I become depressed and unbearable to be around. (At least, I hope that's the only time I've been unbearable. My siblings would probably argue that point.) 

So, here I am. In England, trying to prove to myself and to my wonderful family that I am worth my breeding, that I can BE whatever I choose.  I know that I have everything that it takes to accomplish my goals, because I have amazing people in my life who support me and have taught me to work hard and believe that following a dream isn't crazy. 

I'll conclude with Lady Macbeth's advice to her husband as he's about to commit murder and treason. Why not?

Macbeth:

If we should fail?

Lady Macbeth: 

We fail?

But screw your courage to the sticking place, 

And we'll not fail.

PS: If I've at all piqued your interest in Shakespeare, check out David Tennant as Hamlet, Branagh or Olivier as Henry V or see the full character arc of the "Henriad" in "The Hollow Crown", starring Ben Wishaw as Richard II, Jeremy Irons as Henry IV and Tom Hiddleston as Henry V. 

London!

Well, I've been in London for nearly a week now, so it's about time for a proper update. I've been meaning to do this all week but, well, I'm in London. I've been distracted. This could be another long one... What am I saying, all of my blogs are long because I always procrastinate the day of my writing.

So, let's back up shall we? I finished work on October 31. It can only be described as bittersweet. My 2 years at Wall Decor and More has been wonderful. It was so hard to say goodbye to the people who have been so good to me. Since my last day was Halloween, they were concerned I would have plans after work, so on Tuesday they brought cake! And my old boss from The L.A. Gallery showed up as well. It was fantastic to sit with two brilliant employers, nibble on cake and dream of London. It was just another example of how wonderful they are. They each own a custom framing business and are able to be in, what they have dubbed, "Co-opetition." Cooperative competition. :-)

So, I finished work and then packed up my life for storage and tried to fit 2 years into a suitcase. I had a good bye get together with all of "The Ladies." Then, off to Great Falls MT to see my best friend and some friends from the mission. My friend and I spent our time just being us. No rigid plans, just hang out on the couch and talk. Oh yeah, and we had a Marvel marathon. "Thor: The Dark World" premiered in North America on Nov 8, so we watched all of the previous films and then went to the movie. It was really good. It needed more Loki though. I don't just say that because I love Tom Hiddleston; Loki makes everything more interesting. Also,  I do very much enjoy Tom Hiddleston :-)

The hardest part of all? Saying goodbye to family, especially my little niece who will probably forget me without me in her house anymore! We had a dinner on Sunday night and on Monday, my brother and sister in law drove me to Calgary.  We're not an emotional bunch, but I got teary saying goodbye to each one. Moving across an ocean is a difficult enough endeavour, but doing so as a very small step towards achieving a much bigger dream is even more intimidating. And saying goodbye to family feels somehow weightier than saying goodbye to friends. But then, my buddy friend took me to the airport and we couldn't stop hugging!

OK, enough of the sappy stuff. On to LONDON! The flight was as all flights are, long  and uncomfortable. But, the beauty of an overnight flight is eating breakfast over Ireland. Seeing it gave me a reality kick. And then England came into view. I don't even know how to explain the emotions that came over me then. Excitement, anxiety, fear, hope. Everything all at once. I nearly cried from it all. Right, I was done with be sappy, wasn't I?

West Coast of Ireland

I was lucky enough to find housing before I left, so when I arrived I co-ordinated with the realtor and met her at one of the Underground stations. She then drove me to the house. It's a nice little cottage in North Kensington. Now, when I say that it's nice, it's nice for London. It's clean, but definitely not a new modern flat that you see on TV.  North Kensington is an upscale neighbourhood now, but it wasn't always. I like the neighbourhood though, it's safe and my house is only about a 10min walk from the Ladbroke Grove tube station on the Hammersmith/Circle line. I'm not overly familiar with the bus system, but there are a lot of buses in the area, so I will pick that up eventually. For now, I'm using all of the stairs in between trains as a nice workout routine!

My future?

The rest of my week has been spent setting up my bank account, buying groceries, getting a new SIM card, finding copy centres and generally trying to settle in for more than a 2 week stay. I've been doing site seeing as well. It's strange to get up and try to decide what I want to see today in the areas around my errands. When I went to my bank appointment, I realized that I was fairly close to RADA, one of the schools I'm looking at, so I decided to pop over and find it. I need to get my head on straight before I go in and talk to someone, but it felt good to see it in person and prove to myself that it actually exists. I'm going to see the broadcast of David Tennant in Shakespeare's "Richard II" on Monday, which will be at the cinema in Notting Hill. My plan is to check out the Kesington Palace and Gardens nearby and then make my way down to LAMDA, which is in Hammersmith, the neighbourhood south of Kensington.

Since I'm came here with assistance from SWAP/BritBound, I went to the Arrival Information Session at BritBound on Friday night. They went over a lot of good information for getting settled here: tax info, travel, housing, work, health care. Apparently, the NHS (National Health Service) covers me while on a visa! I had no idea. That is one thing I wish I'd known before I bought travel insurance! But travel insurance covers baggage as well, so I suppose I still might need that. But, I think that I'm going to get my teeth cleaned a lot here. A basic treatment of exam, x-rays, cleaning, and flouride is only £17.50! That would be at least $200 in Canada! Root canals or pulling a tooth is only £48.00.  Income tax is a bit more, of course, but that's still amazing!

View of Picadilly Circus from the club.

After the info session, the people at BritBound took us out to their regular Friday Drinks Night. I went along to attempt at being social. It was a big step for this introvert, but I'm glad I went. BritBound booked an event room at the Picadilly Institute, which was decorated like a pscyh ward/office. I made friends with a few of the girls. 2 Aussies, 1 Portuguese and a Canadian. They were all really fun. It didn't take long to cover the "I don't drink" topic though!  Looking back, I should have just said that I don't drink, not because I'm a control freak with a bit of religion thrown in, but because I might become attracted to the annoying guys who drink. Seriously, how is walking up to a table of girls and saying "Two shots to the first girl who does 'The Running Man'" a good way to impress anyone? Oh, well. At least now I can say that I've been to an exclusive club in Picadilly Circus and move on. Really, when I left a security guard opened the gate for me and there was a line of people waiting to get in. Definitely a first for me!

Well, I think that about covers it. I had a fun Sherlock (BBC) themed day today and next week, the job hunt begins. BritBound helps with perfecting your resume and registering with recruiting agencies, so now the real work needs to begin. Finding a job needs to be my new job. I'm not looking forward to this bit. It takes some people over a month to find work. I hope I'm one of the exceptions. I'm one of the lucky ones that already has a place to live, but I like to think that's partially because I worked on it before. At the orientation, they asked if anyone had their CV ready and I was the only one, so maybe that bodes well? Wish me luck!

P.S. MANY MANY THANKS TO ALL WHO ARE HELPING ME OUT ON GOFUNDME. YOUR GENEROSITY AMAZES ME!