Slow Progress & Tender Mercies

Since my last post, I've had a couple of days where the reality of being in a huge city, with no job, has felt really heavy. It's hard to know where to begin and I felt as though I'd used up all of my motivation energy in just getting here. To my own credit, there has not been a day where I've not accomplished at least one task that contributes, at least a little, to moving forward. Somedays, it has just been to find a stationary store in which to buy push pins and a calendar to plan with. (I love having a calendar on my phone, but sometimes you just need to write things out.) Other days, it has been more pro-active, such as going to a recruitment agency, like a grown up. Weird.

High and lows are to be expected, I know. The last couple of days have felt low. I've tried to focus on the fact that I've accomplished part of my goal, just by getting here, and now I live in an amazing city. I went for a walk in Kensington Gardens on Monday, thinking that I would enjoy the peaceful scenery and contemplate life. Well, my local train station had no power and I spent most of my walking time on the streets, so by the time I got to the gardens it was getting dark, I was cranky at public transit and it wasn't nearly as enjoyable as I'd hoped.

A peaceful bench in Kensington Gardens. I should have just sat there for a while.... 

Today, I made the decision to be positive and pro-active. I planned to go to the LDS Employment Centre, which opens at 12pm.  I completed the online registration forms in the morning and then I decided to check on the open houses for the two drama schools that I'm looking at. First, I checked on RADA and had a little moment of despair. In the two weeks since I've been here, the Open House has been announced and completely filled. There will be more in the new year, but it put me into a little bit of a tail spin. Attending these open houses has been the driving factor in coming here when I did. I've been checking for confirmed dates almost religiously over the last 2 months, and in the last two weeks, I missed it. I took a deep breath and checked on LAMDA. There is an open house this weekend, so I crossed my fingers and sent out an e-mail of inquiry. In a moment of defiance to "the world", I then registered for online applications to LAMDA and saved the RADA application form to my travelling USB stick to have printed later in the day. Take that, world. 

Determined not to let myself stay cranky, I stuck to my plan. I found a copy shop close to the South Kensington station, printed the application forms and then went over to the employment centre. Luckily, it is in the same building as the church, so I at least knew how to find it! The church building is quite multi-purpose, actually. The main floor foyer serves as a small Visitor's Centre, with the gym and the chapel on the same level. There are a couple of floors for classrooms, offices and the employment centre.

I trudged my way up the stairs to the 3^rd floor and soon remembered that the Brits don't count floors in the same way as Canadians. Call me a traditionalist, but the first floor is the one on the bottom. Here, it is: Basement, Ground, 1^st , 2^nd, 3^rd etc. So the 3^rd floor is actually the 4^th floor to my brain. I digress... A Senior missionary couple greeted me enthusiastically as I entered the empty room. Their shift was ending, so after a brief chat, they passed me along to the incoming volunteer, a Caribbean woman, who was very fun to talk to. We went over my CV and discussed my situation. I talked about theatre and my struggles with knowing how to approach it. She was very encouraging and suggested I send an e-mail to a few of the “umbrella” companies that own the theatres, asking how I could apply or when to expect C.V.s to be accepted. (I've been stumped by many theatre groups posting that they usually take resumes of interest, but aren't anymore, but will be soon. How does one respect that, but still show interest?)

She also gave me list of job finding websites and suggested a few that would be best to begin with. I asked about electronic retail stores and photo labs that would be easier for me work in without much training. I still feel the weight of finding work, but it feels better having a few places to start from. I don't like the idea of “pounding the pavement”, but it has to be done. Starting is the hardest part. I do need a wardrobe update though. (See? I'm making delays... I'll go out when I have the right clothes....) There is a store here called “Primark” that everyone says is really cheap but doesn't look it. I said to her that I need to go to Primark to get some good walking/dress shoes and dress pants. She laughed that I already knew what Primark was! So, that is tomorrow's plan. I hate shopping and I hate job hunting and now I have to do both. Maybe shopping in London will be more enjoyable than in Canada. Here's hoping.

Hyde Park LDS Chapel on Exhibition Road, South Kensington

Now to the real point of blogging today. (Still with me?) Two sister missionaries were sitting by the desk on my way out and started talking to me. I said that I'm new to the city and the ward etc. They're both nearing the end of their mission, so I warned them that going home from a mission feels really weird! I joked about being old, having been home for 5 years now (wow), and then we laughed about the age change bringing out so many missionaries who look 12. They then offered to give me a little tour of the church and tell me more of the history of the area. I agreed. The church was built in 1960, but has only been a Visitor's Centre for 2 years. In fact, when they both got their mission calls, it wasn't made entirely clear that they would be VC sisters because all of the final details were still being worked out!

They showed me a little video on a fancy touch screen TV (aren't we tech-savvy Mormons?) It was about the history of the church building itself. The building is on the same street as the Science Museum and the Victoria & Albert Museum, just down from the Royal Alberta Hall.  I have been wondering how the church managed to get such prime real estate! The spot where the church is now located used to be a high end residential row and, at one point, was owned by a wealthy doctor, his Russian wife, 2 children and 6 servants! Unfortunately, the building was destroyed during the bombings of World War II and was never rebuilt. When Pres. David O McKay made the assignment to find property for a chapel, there was not a member of the church living within 7 miles of the spot that was proposed, but the decision was made to buy this little historic area of land. There are now 3 wards that meet in the building, as well as fulfilling the other uses that I've mentioned earlier.

World War II bomb damage on the wall of the Victoria & Albert Museum. 

When the video finished, one sister asked what I liked about it. Almost without thinking, I answered that it shows that good things can come out of such horrible destruction. She agreed and then said that she can relate that to her life; we can feel like we are in the middle of a bombing in our life and then we later realize that God was always aware of us and that He always has a plan. It was exactly what I needed to hear and I'm sure I looked at her in shock for a moment. I could easily be cynical about her comments and think that she probably says that after each of the hundreds of times she's shown that video to someone, but it really touched me. I was suddenly so emotional. I tried to contain it as we talked more about life's surprises and blessings, as well as the joys of being a missionary. I thanked them for showing me that clip and said that I really needed it today. They gave the ever so humble missionary answer, deferring credit away from themselves.

As I exited the church and started walking towards the train station, I had to hold back tears, just as I'm doing right now as I write this. There was no lightning bolt sending down a little charred piece of paper with a list of instructions, and I still feel very unsure of pretty much everything, but I do know that I'm not forgotten. 

I haven't put as much spiritual thought into this big move as I probably should have. The scriptures teach to “study it out in your mind” and then ask if it's right. Well, I did a lot of studying... and then I just did it. I basically looked at the sky and thought "If it's wrong, you'd better stop me." He didn't, so here I am. The thing is, I did the same thing when I moved to Vancouver. When I did stop to pray about it, all I could feel was love, that if this is what I wanted to do, then He was OK with it.

I think a lot of religious people, Mormons included, can get really caught up in the idea of “THE PLAN.” They fear making the “wrong” decision will affect eternal salvation. OK, some decisions, yes, but not all. I like to think of life as a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book. There are many paths, more than one of which can be right. God gave us each a brain; I think he expects us to use it.

The problem is, I may have been using my brain a little too much, over-thinking, as I tend to do, and it's making me a little crazy.  I've been so worried about having all of the answers and making a plan and finding a job “right now”, that I've just been giving myself unnecessary stress. Today was a reminder that I don't need to have all of the answers. All I need to know right now is that I haven't made a stupid decision in coming here, that it isn't a complete waste of time and money, and I will, someday, achieve all that I want to, if I'm willing to work for it.

Exhibition Road: The Science Museum on the left, Victoria & Albert Museum on the right.
LDS church visible with golden spire on the right. 

As I walked down Exhibition Road and looked at the amazing buildings, noticing for the first time the damage from WWII, I just thought about how lucky I am. I thought about my first week here, sitting in church and finally asking “Well, I'm here. Am I supposed to be here?” and feeling an overwhelming “Yes.” I don't know why the answer is yes, but for now, that will do. I know there are more ups and downs to come, but in this huge, amazing city, where I don't know anyone, I am not forgotten and I am not alone.

Epilogue: I got an e-mail from LAMDA on the train home; there is a spot available for me to attend the open house. Not forgotten :-)