I know that you're all expecting and, I'm told, eagerly awaiting an account of my first week at LAMDA. I promise some thoughts on it, but the topic that has been most on my mind recently is gratitude. Please bear with me while I get all of this out, otherwise I'll burst and no one wants to clean up that mess.
This past year has taught me so much. I expected that moving across an ocean, by myself, would cause certain adjustments, but I have learned about myself in ways I never expected. As a Temp, I've learned that I CAN do anything, often with little or no instruction. As a foreigner, I've learned that speaking English does not necessarily mean I am speaking the same language as another native English speaker! I've learned to look non-chalant as I look at my map, realize I've been walking in the wrong direction and turn around as though the u-turn was always my plan. I've learned to ask for help. I've learned to accept help. I'm learning how to really say Thank You.
In my first week at LAMDA, I was able to attend a performance of Shakespeare's "King John" put on by the graduating MA Classical Acting students, which included one of my friends from church. After the show, as she saw the group of us who were all there to support her, she put her hands over her heart and said "I really have no words. There are no words to say how much it means that you are here." I knew it was so much more than lip service. She really meant it and for a moment I thought "I know how you feel." I don't though. I'm just beginning. I'll know how she feels when, two years from now, I see my loved ones and find myself at a loss as to how to express my thanks for their support.
When I moved to London, one of my old employers gave me a beautiful notebook. I thanked her and promised that I would "fill it with only good things." This little book has become my "Gratitude Journal." I've committed myself to only write positive thoughts - even turning negatives into positives where necessary. For example, after my "intense" RADA interview, I wrote "I am grateful that the technical director pushed me to a breaking point in my interview to see how truly committed I am to this. And to show myself how much I want this. I want it so much it scares me."
During the past few weeks, as I've prepared for LAMDA, I have been very aware of how grateful I am for, well, everything. I've been thinking that my next blog entry would need to be a big THANK YOU!. During this time, a Gratitude Challenge has popped up on Facebook; friends nominate each other to post three things per day, for seven days, that they are grateful for. When challenged, I thought, "I already try to do this. How will it change when I make it public?" I think this is such a good challenge; it's one of the few Internet Trends I'm willing to get behind. We spend so much time worrying about what we don't have, that we forget to recognize what we do have. It has been fun and also very enlightening to see what others have posted during this Gratitude Challenge. It is amazing what we see when we really open our eyes.
I've actually been thinking about gratitude for a long time, which I why I decided to use my pretty book as a record of gratitude. I would say that I've consciously been thinking on it since I graduated from film school. I was unemployed for a while and then had a job that made me miserable. Then I picked myself up and found work that made me happier, but still not happy enough. I fought the frustration of my circumstances (ie money) and the limited control I had over it, the knowledge that I would never be able reach my dreams on my own. Even when I made it to England and was able to take larger steps to my goals, I had to overcome the anger I felt at the injustice of support for arts education.
In all of these moments, I tried to remind myself that I had much to be grateful for, and this is where I learned something interesting. Just because I don't feel happy about "life", doesn't mean I'm not GRATEFUL for it. It was OK for me to be sad and that didn't mean I was ungrateful. (Some days I was ungrateful, but it's a work in progress.) If I hadn't been as miserable as I was, I definitely would not have worked up the courage to move across an ocean. So, as cliche as it is, I am grateful for that trying time. I am grateful that it taught me to take action and that it has taught me to be grateful!
I do not intend for this post to be a sermon, but I really feel that I need to acknowledge the many things which I have to grateful for. As I think about gratitude though, I wonder if I really know how to show it. I'm a well trained, polite Canadian and I know my "Thank You" etiquette, but is that all gratitude is? As I find myself, as was my overwhelmed acting friend, without words, I realize that it is not enough to say "Thank You." I must show it. There must be an action of some kind.
This is not to say that the words are meaningless, but they can become hollow all too often. I like to believe that when I have said Thank You in the past that I have truly meant it, but I'm sure it didn't always sound that way. I know that the words I'm writting today are so much more sincere than they have ever been before.
Today my action is a list. If I listed everything that I am grateful for, it would be too much for just one blog entry, so I'll keep it simple. Probably not short, but simple.
1. My Parents. I cannot voice this enough. I have reached that magical time in one's life where I see my parents as regular human beings instead of rule making dictators. Their most recent sacrifice to help me pay for school is overwhelming, but more than that, it has been the years of sacrifice given so willingly to their family. Each summer, they packed the five of us kids into the van and took us somewhere new. It may have only been a few hours up the province or into the one next door, but they always made it happen. I remember campfires, ocean chasing, sea-shell finding and mountain hikes. I'm sure they only remember the cries of "Are we there yet?" They must have known they succeeded at least a little bit when we finally worked seamlessly together to put up that darn tent-trailer in record time. Or it could have been that we were being deluged by a thunderstorm and couldn't wait to get into bed. Today, I feel so proud and lucky to be their daughter.
2. My Siblings. Well, the parents were right. We're all friends now. Most days ;-) Somehow we managed to get through it all and become a weird little support system for each other. Perhaps it's because I'm the strange one who has managed to live with all but one of my siblings as an adult, but I really believe this! To praise each one individually would only embarrass all of us and fill a novel, so in short; they are marvellous. They are all such wonderful people who support me and my crazy dreams. Equally, I hope they know the support is reciprocated.
3. My friends. This applies to all of you. I'm the kind of person who always had one friend at a time. I can look at my life and name a single friend for each time period. Elementary to Junior High. Junior High. High School. (I am from a small town after all... slim pickings) Then the first job. This city. That city. That house. This school. This other job. A few years ago though, the divisions started to get blurry. My friends in Canada and the USA were and have been so supportive of this change. My new friends in England have been so welcoming and equally supportive. I don't know how I've managed to have such great people in my life.
As a sub topic, I would like to add that there are some very special teachers, employers and co-workers who I most definitely count as friends.
4. Church. Simply put, I'm grateful for the beliefs I have and how they have shaped who I am. I'm grateful for the peace I feel from those beliefs. I'm even grateful for it as an organisation. When I moved to London, I wasn't really alone. There was a built in network of people waiting to welcome and support me. I've had co-workers look at me in surprise when I tell them I made friends so quickly after moving here. I shudder now when I think of having to make friends in bars or clubs.
5. LAMDA. (I did promise some thoughts!) The tutors. Everyone at LAMDA is so eager to see us succeed. They set the bar high, but they are committed to helping us reach it. The tutors are so patient with us and they are excited about what they do. I am so grateful to be a part of this great family and look forward to the next two years of madness.
This past year has taught me so much. I expected that moving across an ocean, by myself, would cause certain adjustments, but I have learned about myself in ways I never expected. As a Temp, I've learned that I CAN do anything, often with little or no instruction. As a foreigner, I've learned that speaking English does not necessarily mean I am speaking the same language as another native English speaker! I've learned to look non-chalant as I look at my map, realize I've been walking in the wrong direction and turn around as though the u-turn was always my plan. I've learned to ask for help. I've learned to accept help. I'm learning how to really say Thank You.
In my first week at LAMDA, I was able to attend a performance of Shakespeare's "King John" put on by the graduating MA Classical Acting students, which included one of my friends from church. After the show, as she saw the group of us who were all there to support her, she put her hands over her heart and said "I really have no words. There are no words to say how much it means that you are here." I knew it was so much more than lip service. She really meant it and for a moment I thought "I know how you feel." I don't though. I'm just beginning. I'll know how she feels when, two years from now, I see my loved ones and find myself at a loss as to how to express my thanks for their support.
When I moved to London, one of my old employers gave me a beautiful notebook. I thanked her and promised that I would "fill it with only good things." This little book has become my "Gratitude Journal." I've committed myself to only write positive thoughts - even turning negatives into positives where necessary. For example, after my "intense" RADA interview, I wrote "I am grateful that the technical director pushed me to a breaking point in my interview to see how truly committed I am to this. And to show myself how much I want this. I want it so much it scares me."
 |
| I am grateful for this book. |
I've actually been thinking about gratitude for a long time, which I why I decided to use my pretty book as a record of gratitude. I would say that I've consciously been thinking on it since I graduated from film school. I was unemployed for a while and then had a job that made me miserable. Then I picked myself up and found work that made me happier, but still not happy enough. I fought the frustration of my circumstances (ie money) and the limited control I had over it, the knowledge that I would never be able reach my dreams on my own. Even when I made it to England and was able to take larger steps to my goals, I had to overcome the anger I felt at the injustice of support for arts education.
In all of these moments, I tried to remind myself that I had much to be grateful for, and this is where I learned something interesting. Just because I don't feel happy about "life", doesn't mean I'm not GRATEFUL for it. It was OK for me to be sad and that didn't mean I was ungrateful. (Some days I was ungrateful, but it's a work in progress.) If I hadn't been as miserable as I was, I definitely would not have worked up the courage to move across an ocean. So, as cliche as it is, I am grateful for that trying time. I am grateful that it taught me to take action and that it has taught me to be grateful!
I do not intend for this post to be a sermon, but I really feel that I need to acknowledge the many things which I have to grateful for. As I think about gratitude though, I wonder if I really know how to show it. I'm a well trained, polite Canadian and I know my "Thank You" etiquette, but is that all gratitude is? As I find myself, as was my overwhelmed acting friend, without words, I realize that it is not enough to say "Thank You." I must show it. There must be an action of some kind.
This is not to say that the words are meaningless, but they can become hollow all too often. I like to believe that when I have said Thank You in the past that I have truly meant it, but I'm sure it didn't always sound that way. I know that the words I'm writting today are so much more sincere than they have ever been before.
Today my action is a list. If I listed everything that I am grateful for, it would be too much for just one blog entry, so I'll keep it simple. Probably not short, but simple.
1. My Parents. I cannot voice this enough. I have reached that magical time in one's life where I see my parents as regular human beings instead of rule making dictators. Their most recent sacrifice to help me pay for school is overwhelming, but more than that, it has been the years of sacrifice given so willingly to their family. Each summer, they packed the five of us kids into the van and took us somewhere new. It may have only been a few hours up the province or into the one next door, but they always made it happen. I remember campfires, ocean chasing, sea-shell finding and mountain hikes. I'm sure they only remember the cries of "Are we there yet?" They must have known they succeeded at least a little bit when we finally worked seamlessly together to put up that darn tent-trailer in record time. Or it could have been that we were being deluged by a thunderstorm and couldn't wait to get into bed. Today, I feel so proud and lucky to be their daughter.
2. My Siblings. Well, the parents were right. We're all friends now. Most days ;-) Somehow we managed to get through it all and become a weird little support system for each other. Perhaps it's because I'm the strange one who has managed to live with all but one of my siblings as an adult, but I really believe this! To praise each one individually would only embarrass all of us and fill a novel, so in short; they are marvellous. They are all such wonderful people who support me and my crazy dreams. Equally, I hope they know the support is reciprocated.
3. My friends. This applies to all of you. I'm the kind of person who always had one friend at a time. I can look at my life and name a single friend for each time period. Elementary to Junior High. Junior High. High School. (I am from a small town after all... slim pickings) Then the first job. This city. That city. That house. This school. This other job. A few years ago though, the divisions started to get blurry. My friends in Canada and the USA were and have been so supportive of this change. My new friends in England have been so welcoming and equally supportive. I don't know how I've managed to have such great people in my life.
As a sub topic, I would like to add that there are some very special teachers, employers and co-workers who I most definitely count as friends.
4. Church. Simply put, I'm grateful for the beliefs I have and how they have shaped who I am. I'm grateful for the peace I feel from those beliefs. I'm even grateful for it as an organisation. When I moved to London, I wasn't really alone. There was a built in network of people waiting to welcome and support me. I've had co-workers look at me in surprise when I tell them I made friends so quickly after moving here. I shudder now when I think of having to make friends in bars or clubs.
5. LAMDA. (I did promise some thoughts!) The tutors. Everyone at LAMDA is so eager to see us succeed. They set the bar high, but they are committed to helping us reach it. The tutors are so patient with us and they are excited about what they do. I am so grateful to be a part of this great family and look forward to the next two years of madness.
 |
| The first day at LAMDA. A girl, her toolbox and dreams. |
Now, back to LAMDA. LAMDA is for me. I moved to London for me and I applied to LAMDA for me. My career is my own and what I will make of it. But it has become so much more. And for so many more. I have not made it here on my own, therefore I am not acting solely for myself. I am so aware of the many people who are now following my journey and who are cheering me on. With the many messages of "I'm so proud of you", "You inspire me", and "You're so brave", I feel a responsibility to live up to your expectations as well as to my own. If my journey can inspire even one other person to take a chance on their dreams, then these long winded blog posts are worth it.
LAMDA was the goal, which I've reached, so now I must make a new one. Here it is:
Be Brave. Be Kind. Be Grateful.
I promise the next post will be more fun filled and less "touchy-feely", but for now, once more, with all the feeling that this keyboard can muster:
THANK YOU.
