I've been putting off the writing of this post for a while now. I needed some time to think on things for myself before I put my thoughts out into the world. I have now attended both interviews for the two schools that I have been dreaming about for the last two years. It has all led to this. The results of either of these interviews will determine my foreseeable future. The next year could be spent in the UK, before going home to re-evaluate my life. Again. Or, the next 2 years could lead to a lifetime in this country.
Leading up to my interview with RADA, I had given notice on my house without a replacement. My temp position had just ended and my finances were feeling strained from all of my travels. In my over-emotional state, I was convinced I would be homeless, unemployed and too stressed to interview well, thus not be accepted, never have a proper career and become a useless waste to humanity. I knew and know that this is a ridiculous mindset to have been in, but I was staring at the day I'd been planning for for two years and it didn't look at all how I imagined.
Fortunately, I have amazing friends who helped me to arrange a blessing from one of the priesthood holders at church and it really calmed my mind. I was assured that my Heavenly Father is mindful of me and that He knows the desires of my heart. It's what I needed to hear and I was able to put my other worries out of my mind to focus on RADA.
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| February 19, 2014 The Royal Academy of Dramatic Art Never have two statues appeared more intimidating. I think I'd rather have faced a Weeping Angel at that moment. |
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| Foyer at RADA |
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| RADA's Tension Wire Grid (Credit to http://www.thecablenet.net/rada.php) |
The interview itself was....interesting. It began with light chit chat and I was feeling OK. I knew I had been over-emotional that week so I was trying to present myself as positive, collected and mature, with a bit of humour, which is my usual disposition. They were interested in my past experience in film and framing etc and I spoke of how I came to the conclusion that this is what I want to do. Finally, and quite suddenly, the main interviewer expressed his concern to me about my lack of experience and the possibility that I don't really know what I'm getting myself into. Basically, I felt he was calling me a flight-risk; that I'd get a place, change my mind and that place would be lost to a more deserving student. He apologized for the difficult question, but asked me to defend myself to his concerns.
I'm sure the fear in my eyes was clearly visible at that moment and I felt myself choking up. When I said I would try to answer his question "eloquently, without getting emotional," he responded: "Maybe you should (get emotional). It might help your cause." What I then proceeded to say, I can hardly remember. I recall saying that I'm not willing to waste my time, let alone anyone else's and that if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right. I admitted that by thinking I understand how much work it is, that I still have no idea, but failing is worse than not trying at all. I explained that I'd been working two jobs for the last two years, just to be able to afford to move here to interview, so I do not take it lightly. I rambled off other things, I'm sure, but when I reached that ever strange point where one no longer has anything to say, I sort of just trailed off. I was trying to think of something eloquent to say to make up for the ramble I'd just gone on, but he stopped me, smiled and said "that's what I wanted to hear." He then declared to other interviewers that they ought to put my out of my misery and walked me to the door. As I walked out, he re-assured me that I'd given a good answer and apologized for putting me through that. I was able to leave the building with composure, but I was holding back tears during my entire walk to the train station.
I met up with two friends afterwards who were excited to hear how my day had gone. We sat in Kensington Gardens as they patiently listened to me exclaim "I've just moved across a bloody ocean to attend that interview. Isn't that commitment enough? What does he want from me?!" Now that I can look back on it, I know what he was trying to do. I was so focused on trying to contain my emotions that I forgot that emotions are exactly what they are looking for. These schools are not looking for perfect grades or academic prowess. They openly announce that they want people who are passionate and teachable. That's it. I see now that I had my walls up to keep myself calm and he had to break them down as quickly as possible to see how serious I am.
As upset as I was, I am glad it went the way it did. It was a good reminder to myself of how much I want this. I think maybe I'd forgotten. Or maybe I've been afraid to truly admit it. The tears I fought were not really tears of sadness that the interview hadn't gone as perfectly as I'd hoped. I was frustrated with myself for not showing immediately how committed I am and I was scared that I'd just wasted my opportunity. I've been chasing this for two years. My commitment and passion should be completely obvious to anyone who speaks to me for more than five minutes. Sometimes I think I'm afraid to want this for fear of never obtaining it.
"There are a lot of people in this world who are afraid of caring, or afraid of showing that they care because it’s uncool, it’s uncool to have passion. It’s so much easier to lose when you’ve shown everyone you don’t care if you win or lose. It’s much harder to lose when you show that you care; but you’ll never win unless you also stand to lose ... don’t be afraid of your passion; ... just give it free reign, and be honest, and work hard, and it’ll all turn out just fine"
- Tom Hiddleston
I'm happy to say that the LAMDA interview went much more smoothly! It was such a contrast, in so many ways. I had found a place to live, without 4am electric guitar solos, which meant I was actually well rested and my new job had just began. My worldly cares were no longer an issue. I already had a portfolio prepared from RADA, so I didn't need to worry about that. I went to work in Holborn that morning, ate lunch at my friend's place near Paddington, and then continued on to LAMDA in Hammersmith. I did a have a train delay (I HATE the District Line), but I ran from the train station, heels and all, and made it to the school right at 2pm.
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| March 5, 2014 The London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art |
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| CGI rendering of LAMDA's expansion http://www.lamda.org.uk/support-us/act-now/our-new-facilities |
I was disappointed that the program director who I'd met at the open house was not at the interview. I'd been feeling good about the fact that he'd know a little about me already, but he was unavailable for that day. The Technical Director and the Director of the Stage Management program led the interview in his stead. They were both very friendly and gave me a few minutes to introduce myself and talk about my portfolio before they started with their questions. That was a nice ice-breaker and it gave me a chance to present myself properly. RADA had prepared me for that! The man asked me some general theatre questions similar to ones I'd answered on a questionnaire at RADA, and then the woman asked me some specific stage management questions. I felt quite proud of myself that I could finally explain the difference between the Stage Manager, Deputy Stage Manager and Assistant Stage Manager!
The irony, though, is that I was able to explain the Stage Management hierarchy, but when she asked me what the process of rehearsing an actor's movement is called, I went blank and guessed "Cues?" When she responded that it's "blocking," I scoffed at myself. "Oh, it's the same as film. I'm over-thinking this, aren't I?" I was able to relax a little after that.
My favourite moment was when she asked me how I would go about sourcing a 1900s armchair for an onstage prop without using the internet. I mused about antique shops and then added "But I'd probably go to a library first." I was about to continue on about speaking to experts etc, but they both stopped me and said that "a library" was all they wanted to hear. I laughed and assured them that "I love a good library. You will have no problem getting me into one."
LAMDA was not without its own intense moments, though. When she asked me what my biggest/proudest accomplishment has been thus far, I asked "In life?!" I thought for a few moments and, in the end, I couldn't think of anything better than that exact moment. After a year of trying to get into film and then being really depressed and full of self pity, I had spent the next two years planning to get into that room. I explained how difficult it had been to face myself and ask what I really wanted from life and how I was going to accomplish it. Even typing in a Google search for Stage Management programs had been nerve-wracking, because I knew that if I started down this path I would have to see it through. Really, I could have just said to her that sitting in that chair was my proudest moment, but I think it would still have required a little explanation!
Now, the wait begins. I've yet to hear from RADA, but the shortlist is the best result I'm expecting at the moment. Both schools will continue to take applications until the end of March, so there are very few places that will be offered before they finish interviews.
The good news is that I received a letter from LAMDA yesterday and I've been placed on the shortlist. I'm excited for it, but I'm also dreading that it's just more time to have my hopes up and then dashed with rejection. If the answer is "No", I'd rather know right now! They've stated that I should have an official result in mid-June: 2 1/2 months more of waiting. (FYI, acceptance rates are 1 in 5. Those are my odds.)
So, dear readers, you are now subject to 2 1/2 more months of dealing with me dealing with the unknown. Not to worry though; given my track record, that'll only be 2 Blog posts to read! I do have some interesting ideas for fun posts though; less about me and more about London. Let's just say that The Underground can be a very entertaining place!
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